Lifelong disregard by girls

When I was 13–14 years old, I loved to find and read a variety of 18+ content, after which it began to seem to me that the life of adults is rather sexualized. For example, I thought that when I was an adult, I would have “casual relationships”: I met, wanted to, had sex and fled. I couldn’t even imagine that adult life is so asexual! Now 29 years old and it seems that sex is just a social myth, acting in porn films, but in reality there is no sex. During all this time, never the slightest situation has arisen when ordinary sex, without prostitution, etc., would become possible. When I propose the initiative, it meets with hostility, when I let the situation take its course — nothing happens. Any attempt to change something ended in the fact that it was not clear what to change. A look from the outside worked as an attempt by an incompetent doctor at a district clinic to cure someone: “Well … let’s try this, maybe it will help … well, lose weight, try to live separately …. try to earn more … doesn’t help? Well, let’s try something else … “It all ended the same: I am to blame for everything, I am a whiner and I need to try, try and try.” As if those who told me this would not howl from and even the guys with whom I played computer games for days in my school years and then also had problems with girls, could not tell anything that at least somehow resembled the story of a “self-made conqueror of women who changed their destiny. “No, everything they said boiled down to the fact that they let go of the situation, met by chance and everything started to happen by itself. In six months I will be thirty years old and something by itself nothing happens. It would seem that one could just forget about it, declare that I do not need it. But I understand that this is impossible. Hurts self-esteem a lot. Just because of heterosexual orientation. The rest is trying to pretend to yourself. You can think as long as you like that it is good that I did not get involved in a relationship, etc., but when you just cannot do this, you do not control the situation, namely, in principle, you have no opportunity, because “invisible” for the female sex, and it can no longer be attributed to age, it becomes really lousy.